Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and
cuddled my two children on demand, visited the
doctor's office more than my doctor, sold 62 cases
of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on
the school playground, and figured out how to attach
nine patches onto my daughter's Girl Scout sash with
staples and a glue gun.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my
son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find
anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of
chasing kids (in any color, except purple, which I
already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze,
but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out
of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a
waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh
month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a
car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that
only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broad-
cast any programs containing talking animals; and a
refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the
freezer where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter

doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental
confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler,
two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans
that will zip all the way up without the use of power

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,
"Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands
off your brother," because my voice seems to be just
out of my children's hearing range and can only be
heard by the dog.

And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack,
the stocking stuffer this year for mothers of pre-
. It comes in three fluorescent colors and
is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the
In-laws' house seem just like mine.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle
for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair
in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food
warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas
miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be
too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely. It would
be helpful if you could coerce my children to help
around the house without demanding payment as if
they were the bosses of an organized crime family;
or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking down-
stairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and
my son saw my feet under the laundry room door.
I think he wants his crayon back. Have safe trip
and remember to leave your wet boots by the
chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so
you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't
eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,


Author unknown but, it could be me or many of my friends

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